#LifeInUnilag: MUST READ! – 8 things hostel life will teach you – By Bayo


1. Many people are not there to bag
just one degree but two. A degree in
their respective discipline and secondly
but most importantly, the main degree
that brought them to school — BSC BG
which stands for “Bachelor of Beg Beg”.

That was how one strange guy I’ve never
met in my entire life before trekked
almost 50km all the way from( I suspect
Hall 3) to ask for the crayfish he gave
me to keep for him in hall 4.

I just saw somebody with an agbada abi
na singlet sef barge into our room and
go straight to the point without much
ado “I dey look for crayfish”. I didn’t
answer him, I continued with what I was
doing.
He now tapped me, “Bros, abeg you get
crayfish wey you no dey use again”?
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to
tell him that the last time I saw Crayfish
was in a Nollywood movie but behaved
myself and calmly told him NO.

Or is it the day one guy saw me frying
egg while passing the hallway and went
to buy bread on me and my egg’s behalf.
I was about bringing down my carefully
fried one-quarter egg from the fire when I
saw somebody at the door with fresh
bread smiling.

Him: “Chairmoooo” raising both hands
up, “I hail oh. How E wan be na”?
Me: Frowning my face “How wetin wan
be”?
Him: Pointing at my egg and waiving his
bread “I just say make we align”
Me: “Bros, abeg no vex. No be me get
am. Na my roommate I help fry the egg.

He had this disappointed look on his
face like I betrayed him or something,
stared at the egg with this lustful
passionate gaze that at a point, I had to
check if he had already mentally eaten
my egg and left an illusion in the fry pan
for me cos things dey happen these
days. I was relieved when I scanned his
lips and found no oil. He finished God
knows what he was doing and left.

2 – You ll learn how to cook pretty much
everything with anything so far you have
these three ingredients–kerosene, water,
and hunger.
I came-in one day only to find my
roommate preparing what he called
“Water soup” and its really very simple
to prepare. Put water on fire, allow it to
boil, add salt, maggi, pepper and red oil
shikena. I thought he was joking not
until I saw him making eba for his
alleged “water-soup” I knew he was
really serious. I thought I had seen it all
not until i went to visit my friend and
saw his roomate eating Eba with what
appeared to be “Beans porridge”.

I shock die.

3 – You ll learn that Nigerians are very
very co-operative in times of need. It is
only in the hostel you ll see somebody
cooking one cup of rice, just one cup of
rice and you ll be like
“My guy how far! that thing gggg” and
just before you add “go reach me”?, he
reads your mind and replies
“Guy, na 50 people contribute for this
rice. The first 20 people bring ninety
seed of rice each, 5 bring one-one
teaspoon of red oil each, another 10
people bring 0.05 micro-grams of salt
which in total weighed 0.5micro
milligrams collectively, 8 people join had
bring one cube of maggi, 6 people bring
kerosene and na my stove we dey use.

4 – You ll learn to be stingy. When I
started my undergraduate journey, I was
very benevolent. I was giving out things,
food stuffs, provision and everything to
friends and my roomates not until my
village people decided to leave me alone
for a while and my eyes became open
like Adam and eve.

How many times I don make Eba wey my
Garri wey remain small pass sachet
cowbell? How many time I don drink tea
wey milk wey remain no plenty pass the
one wey dey old woman breast?

Ladies and gentlemen, that was when I
realised that to survive in the hostel, one
has to be skinflint. Nowadays, even if
you catch me dey fetch rice from my
cupboard, I go tell you say na chinese
beans and if the person say “but no be
rice I dey see oh”? . I go reply”Guy, you
get eye problem”.

When you got to Rome, behave like the
romans. If you cant beat them, joim
them.

5 – You’ll learn that the normal way to
use the the toilet is the abnormal way to
use the toilet. I remember the first time I
set foot inside the Hostel toilet, I ran out
like a demon chased by the holy ghost. I
see poo, the poo wey been dey worry me
run leave me. lol .

Na only hostel you go see shiit wey only
water no fit flush except you mix am
with gravel. shuoo.

It is only in the hostel person go use
shiit take write “Jasper was here” for
toilet bowl & still wonder why things are
not working well in his life.

So when i asked my roommates if it was
ok to use the bowl the normal way by
sitting on it since the cleaners just
washed it, they looked at me like an
alien that just landed from Mars and
burst out laughing. I later figured how to
use it “safely” without putting my bum
bum at the risk of contacting God knows
what virus.

Some people do what we call
stand,drop and dodge” cos you dont
want that water to touch ya… No need
to explain this one, it’s self explanatory.

Some do what we call “Spider man”.
Where you literally climb in-between two
walls with both hands and legs then
deposit from a safe distance.. Just
picture how Peter Parker will climb in
between two narrow walls without his
web. Lmao

Some do the “Yoga style”. Only
difference is you are not actually sitting
on the bowl but standing on it with both
hands stretched forward and you can
close your eyes if you be mumu. But please
and please be very careful cos this style is
extremely dangerous and requires a lot of
stamina cos if your village people
distract you a lil bit & you lose balance
you’ll be in deep shiit, literally.

6 – You’ll learn how to tolerate people. I
had a room all to myself at home but
things changed the day I stepped foot
into hall 4. You just came back from
night class all tired and want to sleep
but you cant cos your roommate thinks
2am is the right time to cook beans &
kill everybody with heat. Adekunle, my
God will judge you.

It is when you want to read that your
roommate suddenly feels the urge to test
how loud his phone’s speakers are. You
no fit talk cos afterall, na im space he
dey.
Somebody will pollute the air while
you’re eating and if you complain they’ll
say “if you no wan see bad thing, close
your eyes”. “If you no wan hear gossip,
close your ear”. “If you no wan smell my
mess, close your nose” lwkmd…

7 – You’ll learn how to Arsene Wenger
money, food stuff, everything. For those
of you who don’t watch football, Arsene
wenger means “manage” or better still,
“economise”. When I first gained
admission, I was a big boy. I was eating
GT foods anyhow, buying meat pie of
250 everyday with soft drinks to wash it
down just for lunch. Na when one day
hungry nearly make me use Ebelebo leaf
(Umbrella fruit aka Almond) take cook
soup na im i realise say boys gats
adjust or na die .

Na for only hostel you go see where
person dey use 50naira take cook soup
with meat. Yes, with meat. Don’t ask me
how.

Do you know you can drink 2 teaspoons
of garri and be satisfied so far you have
the patience to allow it rise to its full
potential after soaking?

8 – You’ll learn that despite the fact
that the hostel has its challenges,ups &
downs, it’s a once in a lifetime experience
that teaches a lot of invaluable life
lessons that will no doubt come in handy
in the nearest future. Plus you get to
meet very interesting people and funny
characters.

By Bayo

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